XOXO

A friend of mine asked me, "How do you know when you've met 'the one'?"

I don't believe that you ever do. I think that you choose someone to be your 'one'.

As youngsters, we are fed this preconceived idea of what love is and what meeting our partner will be like. We would make eye contact with him/her across a crowded room and our first kiss would decide whether or not we were 'meant to be'. As our lips locked we'd fall head over heels in love with this person that had burst into our lives like a sudden flame, and swept us off our feet with passion and romance. We would not be able to exist without him/her as he/she would complete us!

Do I believe that my hubby and I were meant to cross paths, yes. But what I refuse to accept, is this expectation of what 'the one' is and how this person appears in our lives.

I see distorted ideas about love and relationships ooze from the young people I teach, and it is so dangerous because it creates false expectations. I try to alter their perceptions. Not because I'm not a hopeless romantic and not because I want them to develop cynical ideas about love, but because their ideas set them up to believe that if they do not experience love in a certain way, it's not real. And if their partner does not 'complete them' they are not 'meant to be'.

When my husband and I first met, it was not 'love at first sight' and when we kissed for the first time, we knocked our teeth. If I made decisions about him or us based on our initial interactions, we wouldn't have made it past date three. Yet I cannot imagine anyone better suited for me.

My husband does not 'complete' me. I do not believe that one person can fulfil every need you have. That's why we develop several kinds of relationships throughout our lives. My husband will never give me what my cousins, girlfriends, parents or grandparents can. And he's not meant to. So this idea that, the person that you are meant to be with will be everything that you need and visa versa, places an unrealistic pressure on your partner and you.

Love does not just happen! Infatuation does, and that's superficial, just like our perceptions of what meeting the perfect partner will be like. Chemistry and love are not the same thing. Chemistry is instant. Love is work.

It's trying to understand and accept the person you are with and how they deal with the world around them. It's being really happy in your relationship and having some very low moments too, but supporting each other regardless. More importantly, and like most things in life, it's about choice!

It's constantly choosing the person you are with above others and above yourself. And this is daunting because you cannot control the choices that your partner makes! You just have to hope that he/she is choosing you on a daily basis.

That complete surrender to another human being who, without a doubt is flawed and will disappoint you on several occasions, is love. It's being vulnerable, selfless and patient and this does not just happen in a 'moment' or a whirlwind romance. It happens over time.

So do I believe in fate. Yes. To a certain extent. But I also believe that choice plays a crucial role in the way our lives pan out. Free will is a privilege and should be used with discretion.

So I have chosen my 'one' and have promised to continue to choose him, in all his forms, forever.